Sunday, July 11, 2010

Things I Have Dubbed "Not Cool": Bachelorette Party Edition

In light of events from last night's bachelorette party celebrating The Bride and her upcoming nuptials to Drummer7, I have added several very important bullet points to my list of things I consider "not cool". I feel as though it's only fair for me to share those here.

Things That Are Definitely Not Cool:
  • Getting all dolled up only to enter into the burning inferno of a party bus thereby causing profuse sweating, complete with trails of sweat running down the back.
  • Packing up leftover Jimmy John sandwiches to snack on during the drive home only to forget the cooler back at the party bus launch site.
  • Having to come up with a believable excuse for the bright purple, quarter-sized bruises on both knees, because something tells me "crawling across a hardwood floor like a panther toward wall-to-wall mirrors with a group of 15 women" does not scream classy.
  • Lap dances from your sister-in-law. I've blacked out most of those memories, but pictures reminded me of the awkward, painful experience.
  • Experiencing sore shoulders, deltoids, and quads after working the pole. This is made even more uncool when you then are forced to realize that strippers really do work hard for the money.
  • Drinking out of a 22 oz bottle making you feel a lot like a homeless person drinking in the middle of a bar in the richest suburb of Chicago. A brown paper bag around said bottle might have made me just slightly more obviously pathetic.
  • Being outwardly rejected without even making eye contact with the offending member of the opposite sex, complete with a look of total disinterest and hand motions indicating, "No way, no how, no thanks". It's not that I was soliciting attention from strange men, but it never hurts a girl's ego to be flattered every once in a while.
  • Being yelled at by Munchkin when I tell her I have an emergency bathroom situation. Some people do not understand that two pregnancies renders a girl incapable of long term bladder control.
  • Coming home after a long night out to a house with non-functioning air conditioning.
On the flip side, I was also able to confirm that there are a couple of items maintaining their place on the Cool List including,
  • The General's family
  • Noodles & Company
  • Laughing until your sides ache and tears stream down your face
  • Safety pins

3 comments:

The MC said...

Also not cool, pulling into McDonald's drive-thru at 2am for a caramel frappe to keep me awake on the drive home, only to be told that they are having a "caramel problem" and being made to pull through the drive-thru a second time to wait while they fix it.

Aside from that (and the nasty flashbacks), it was a super fun night!!

Tina said...

I have a feeling I know which sister-in-law was doing the lap dancing....and would pay money to see those pictures.

Anonymous said...

I need to hear more! Gramma Poke

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